Crying: Should I? Why can’t I? Could I?

Jessica Chang, MHC-LP.

Crying can come with a myriad of associated feelings, from negative to neutral to positive to indescribable. The experience of crying can feel like a distant, unknown relative or perhaps a friend you cannot seem to get rid of for better and/or for worse. A person’s relationship with emotional tears is unique to them as emotional crying is unique to humans. 

Crying is distinguished into three categories of tears (or tiers without a defined hierarchy): 

1. Basal (continuous): a protein-rich, antibacterial liquid that helps keep eyes moist and lubricated through blinking. Basal tears are constantly secreted by tear ducts and helps to protect eyes from infection.

2. Reflex: activated by irritants such as wind, smoke, dust, onions, etc. to flush out irritants and protect the eye. Reflex tears are 98% water.

3. Emotional (what people typically refer to as crying and the focus of this article): flushes stress hormones, toxins, and emotional pain from the body. Emotional tears contain higher levels of stress hormones than other types of tears.

Research has revealed many benefits to crying, as well as risk involved with preventing oneself from releasing emotional tears. Withholding one’s feelings can present in unhelpful or even harmful ways within interpersonal relationships and towards oneself. Repressive coping, or holding back tears, has been linked with a less resilient immune system, cardiovascular disease, and hypertension, as well as with mental health conditions such as stress, anxiety, and depression (Newhouse, 2021). Suppressing emotion can lead to increased levels of stress hormones and result in stress behaviors like stress-eating and alcohol and substance use.  

Mental Health Benefits of Crying

Biological

Crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), referred to as the “rest and digest” state. The PNS is responsible for the internal regulation of the body’s energy expenditure. Crying thus helps one regulate their emotions, relax, feel calm, and reduce stress.

Crying releases hormones such as oxytocin and endogenous opioids (endorphins) that help to ease both physical and emotional pain. These naturally-produced chemicals make people feel good and promote a sense of wellbeing. Crying also allows toxins and stress hormones to be expelled from one’s body through tears and can aid in sleep, combating bacteria, and improving vision.

Social/interpersonal

Crying encourages and helps people to get support from others around them. Research has associated crying with an increase in attachment behavior, promoting closeness and empathy. A greater likelihood of being able to cry may also indicate an ability to understand and share feelings, which can further foster feelings of safety amongst people.

Awareness

Crying or feeling the urge to cry is often a sign that there is something that needs attention that one’s body is reacting to. It may help to acknowledge emotions that may or may not have been fully recognized. Once one is able to read the sign and tune into what is bothering them, possibilities for navigating one’s emotions and circumstances become available.

Self-regulating

Crying can serve as a release of intense feelings. It is commonly associated with grief, and it can be a part of processing and resolving emotions. Crying often feels cathartic and can help in re-regulating, or restoring a sense of balance within oneself.

“Why don’t/can’t I cry?”

Although crying can come with many benefits, there are multiple factors that can inhibit one from producing emotional tears:

• Personality factors: how one expresses emotions is partially genetic but can largely be informed by family dynamics and one’s upbringing. There may be external and/or internal pressure to be seen a certain way by others which does not align with how crying is perceived.

• Sociocultural factors: gender, culture, race, ethnicity, sexuality, sexual identity, etc. impacts how crying is perceived along with stigma promoted by family and community messages.

• Emotional numbing: often associated with depression and PTSD (i.e. can appear as loss of interest in people and activities, becoming more distant from others, having fewer emotional responses). Crying shows vulnerability, which may feel dangerous for those who are hypervigilant and aware of outside threats. Strong emotions can also feel like a threat, seen externally or felt internally. Blocking the urge to cry because it feels unsafe can occur both consciously and subconsciously. Emotional numbing differs from emotional blunting, which occasionally results as a side effect of medication or from mental health conditions. 

There are ways to navigate towards reacquainting oneself with one’s emotional tears. The thought or experience of crying may feel more shameful or disruptive than beneficial for some at the moment, but it may be worthwhile to reflect on underlying factors that may contribute towards one’s relationship with emotional tears. Consider possible benefits in expressing oneself fully and benefits which may come from deepening one’s interpersonal relationships and relationship with oneself, which all may be a result from accessing one’s ability to produce emotional tears.

How to Get Back in Touch with Emotional Tears

1. Be intentional: Set aside time to tune into your feelings in a space where you feel safe to experience your internal emotions and possibly express them externally.

2. Journal: This provides an opportunity to communicate with oneself and externalize one’s emotions. It can aid in the process of crying and be a manifestation of space to emote safely.

3. Practice being vulnerable: Try opening up to people you trust in your life. Share parts of yourself that they might not see or hear about. Vulnerability is a skill and a risk which takes practice in getting to know, but it can do wonders for one’s overall wellbeing.

4. Commune with art and nature: Music, visual art, literature and film, and the natural world can be helpful tools in connecting with one’s emotions and experiencing emotional tears. Experiencing emotional crying through these sources can be insightful and provide takeaways outside of these spheres.

5. Speak with a therapist: It can feel scary or impossible to change one’s emotional tendencies by oneself. It can also feel scary to do this with others, but if you are willing, a therapist can help guide you through emotional processes and emotional exploration in a nonjudgmental environment.

Sources

1.   Burgess, L. (2023). Eight benefits of crying: why it’s good to shed a few tears. Medical News Today.

2.   Jacobson, A. (2024). Is It Hard for You to Cry? Exploring Possible Reasons. GoodRx Health.

3.   Newhouse, L. (2021). Is crying good for you? Harvard Health Publishing.

4.   Sadick, B. (2021). 4 good Reasons to Cry. AARP.