On not regretting regret

By Jessica Chang, MHC-LP

Regret

Regret is defined as a negative emotion (i.e. sadness, disappointment, etc.) focused on oneself about something that has happened or been done.  However, the outcome of regret is not always negative.

Regret is more than a sense of loss that comes after making a mistake or missing out on an opportunity.  It is a potential source of insight and learning and can connect one with the value and worth of opportunities and relationships and the preciousness of life.  Regret typically varies based on the degree to which one’s ideal self diverges from their actual self, resulting in productive or unproductive regret.

There are two main components of regret: imagination and self-agency.  That is, for regret to occur, one must have an idea, vision, or fantasy of something that they would have wanted, and one must also have the belief that that idea, vision, or fantasy could have been attained if one had acted in a way that better suited them.  Regret is inherently counterfactual in nature, requiring the cognitive and emotional recognition that something desirable did not take place and the acknowledgment of a fictional world in which that desirable something may have occurred.

Causes and impact of regret

Kids begin showing evidence of regret between the ages of 4 and 7 (Mills, 2024, 32:45).  The kids who express regret show better decision-making and emotion regulation.  They are able to learn from their mistakes, anticipate future mistakes, and think about the prospect of regretting the consequences of acting out or feeling emotionally dysregulated as a result of certain decisions.  After romance, regret is the second most commonly mentioned emotion in college students’ conversations (Mills, 2024, 03:00).  Culture also plays a role in what people associate with regret.  While Western cultures emphasize regret regarding romance, education, career, and parenting, Eastern cultures tend to associate regret with family and interpersonal relationships more.

Regret occurs in two forms: action (regret for what one did) and inaction (regret for what one did not do).  In the short term, regret tends to be more intense for actions taken.  Long term, people tend to have more regret for what was not done.  The opportunity principle describes that the more opportunities and choices are presented in life, the more opportunities there are for regret.  For example, when one has the opportunity to return an item without consequence, there is a larger chance one may have regrets over the item.

Regret involves cognitive and emotional awareness and can be adaptive or maladaptive.  It can lead to self-correction, i.e. learning from one’s mistakes contributing to present or future benefits, or it can lead to the persistence of regret, often resulting in self-criticism and self-loathing.

Phases of the onset and persistence of regret (Tobin, 2020):

1. Denial (i.e. the wish to make everything go away)

2. Bewilderment (i.e. feeling out of one’s mind, incredulous)

3. Self-punishing (i.e. the desire to punish oneself for a mistake or poor choice)

4. Ruminations (i.e. perseverating on what occurred, often with self-contempt)

Regret becomes problematic when persistent cycling occurs between phase 3 and phase 4.  This cycle of self-punishment and rumination is more likely to happen when there is less opportunity for one to change a negative situation they have caused.  It can lead to intense sorrow, self-degradation, anxiety, and depression.

Rumination is a fundamental part of depression.  Research shows that people who ruminate are more likely to become and stay depressed.  Rumination can be influenced by one’s mindset or way of looking at the world.  Certain perspectives related to regret can lead to more rumination, such as the following:

1. Inflexible expectations

2. Tendency to not accept

3. “Intolerance of ambivalence”... looking for a risk-free alternative as opposed to weighing risks and choosing amongst options that involve risk

4. Lack of adaptive humility… the ability to make and own up to mistakes

5. Sunk cost fallacy… the mindset that too many resources have already been invested to make any changes

In addition to mental and emotional health impacts, physical and behavioral consequences may also be a result of regret.  Physical symptoms may appear as muscle tension, sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, headaches, muscle and joint pain, chest pain, breathing issues, and chronic stress.  Unproductive regret may lead to risky behavior and behavioral manifestations of unchecked emotions.

How to deal with regret

1. Practice acceptance and gratitude.

2. Be proactive in making decisions - be thoughtful about your decisions and consider saying yes to things more often than not (to potentially avoid long-term regrets).

3. Practice self-forgiveness - acknowledge your value is not defined by your mistakes or failures and your future is not defined by single choices.

4. Apologize to others for mistakes.

5. Talk to a therapist - take the space to sit with, talk openly about, and explore the roots of your regret to gain insight into yourself and your relationships in the past, present, and often future.

Sources 

1. Cherry, K. (2023). How to Cope With Regret. Verywell Mind.

2. Mills, K. (Host). (2024, January). How to learn from regret with Robert Leahy, PhD. [Audio podcast episode]. In Speaking of Psychology. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/regret

3. Tobin, J. (2020). The Psychology of Regret. James Tobin, PhD.