The Reality of Adult Friendships: Why Making and Keeping Friends Becomes More Difficult as we Age
Rebecca Leon, MHC-LP
My mother once told me that we have different friendships throughout the different seasons of our lives. As I grow older, I have found this message increasingly true. From childhood to adolescence to adulthood, our social circles evolve alongside us. But at a certain point, making friends becomes more difficult. You may or may not be surprised to learn that, according to research, after the age of 25, most adult friendships start to dwindle (Gordon, 2023). Why do cultivating friendships and making new friends as an adult feel more challenging?
The Ease of Making Friends at School
Within the confines of school, making friends often feels effortless. From elementary school to middle school to high school, children spend approximately six hours a day in the classroom learning together. This shared experience affords students time and space to connect and form friendships. Extracurricular activities, clubs, and sports also allow children to bond through mutual interests.
Making friends feels much easier when we’re afforded the time and space to do so, and college offers this unique experience as well. Living together in dorms, sharing classes, and participating in late-night study sessions create a fertile ground for lasting connections. But once school ends and we step into the professional world, often tasked with new independence and responsibilities, forming connections no longer comes as easy.
Entering Adulthood
Our lives change once we enter adulthood. Life gets busier when we take on new responsibilities, such as entering the workforce, committing to a relationship, moving, or having children. These life changes can hinder us from meeting new people and maintaining friendships. These barriers are often exacerbated by larger systemic issues.
How Capitalism Interferes in Our Relationships
Capitalism is primarily focused on the pursuit of profit and individual success. While capitalism itself doesn't inherently prevent people from maintaining friendships, certain aspects of the system can contribute to challenges in forming and sustaining social connections. In a capitalist society, the emphasis on productivity and economic success often leads to long working hours and busy schedules. Many adults are pressured to work multiple jobs or face increased job demands, leaving them with limited time for socializing and maintaining friendships.
Additionally, the pursuit of success in a capitalist society can result in a poor work-life balance. People may find themselves dedicating more time to their careers at the expense of personal relationships, including friendships. The result of a society that places emphasis on productivity and achievement is a large group of people who feel burnt out, overworked, and too tired to do anything once their workday ends.
The Absence of a “Third Place”
With increasing work demands and home responsibilities, most people have lost their “third place” by adulthood. The term “third place” originates from a 1989 book, The Great Good Place, by sociologist Ray Oldenberg. He characterized the first place as home, the second place as work, and the third place as virtually any other location. He considered third place locations as ones that facilitate social interaction outside of the people you live or work with and encourage "public relaxation." Third places tend to foster light and pleasant conversation and are free from expectations of productivity (Liddy, 2023).
Third places are essential in helping us build individual and collective identities outside the home and the workplace. Fantasy football leagues, book clubs, and intramural sports can all function as third places (Liddy, 2023). These spaces facilitate friendship based on common interests.
Why Friendships Matter
Friendship is important not just for our mental health but also our physical health. According to research, friendships can have benefits such as better immune functioning, decreased risk of disease, illness, and injury, increased longevity, reduced stress, and speedier recovery when sick (Gordon, 2023). The significance of friendship for overall well-being should not be dismissed.
How to Make Friends
Although there are systemic barriers to making friends in adulthood, meeting new people is not impossible. One way to make friends is to create a third place, close to home or the workplace. Consider your interests, hobbies, and lifestyle. What clubs or classes could you participate in that would bring you joy and facilitate connection?
When it comes to making friends as an adult, it's important to be positive and proactive. Be open to new experiences, saying yes, and trying new things (Gordon, 2023). Although it can be scary initially, pushing yourself to talk to new people is a great way to form new connections.
Nurture Existing Friendships
Making new friends is fun, but it is equally important to nurture our existing relationships. Although our lives can be demanding, catching up with old friends reinforces those bonds and contributes to a well-rounded social life. Remember to focus on quality over quantity when it comes to friendships. Cultivate relationships with individuals who uplift and inspire you. Meaningful connections require time and effort, so invest in those who reciprocate your energy.
Sources
Gordon, S. (2023). How to Make Friends as an Adult. VeryWellMind.
Liddy, K. (2023). Do you have a ‘third place?’ Here’s why finding one is key for your well-being. Today.