Another Look at Love Languages
Jessica Chang, MHC-LP
You are sitting across from *a potential love interest*/*your best friend*/*a new connection*/*your cousin*/*a mirror*. “What is your love language?” you ask them, not having to explain what that means. Have you ever wondered where the popular phrase “love language”, now incorporated into the modern zeitgeist, initially came from? As we as humans continue to attempt to make sense of love, let us revisit and take a closer look at what the love languages are all about, where they started, and how they are doing now.
The Five Love Languages Origin Story
Maybe you have heard of the name Gary Chapman, Ph.D., or maybe you have heard of his book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. But did you know that Gary Chapman was a pastor who earned a doctorate degree from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in adult education? The inspiration and foundation of Dr. Chapman’s book came from observing and recognizing patterns in his work of over 20 years as a marriage counselor at his church.
The Five Love Languages
In his book, Dr. Chapman proposes that people experience love in different ways. Often, conflict does not stem from partners’ lack of effort in understanding each other’s needs; rather, partners often experience and receive love differently. In many instances, people in couples therapy report not feeling loved, despite their partner’s attempts to express it (Borst, 2023). Partners who understand the ways in which their significant others experience love are able to foster a closer relationship and deeper connection. Instead of the Golden Rule (Treat others the way you want to be treated.), Dr. Chapman promotes that one ought to show love in the way their partner is able to receive it and understand it. He identifies the following five love languages:
Words of affirmation - i.e. verbal or written acknowledgment of love and care
Acts of Service - i.e. actions which anticipate and fulfill a partner’s needs
Receiving Gifts - i.e. thoughtful, tangible symbols of one’s care for another
Quality Time - i.e. one’s undivided attention
Physical Touch - i.e. physical connection as a form of security and comfort
How to determine one’s love language
To determine your love language, you could take Dr. Chapman’s brief online quiz. It is also helpful to reflect on past and present relationships and experiences. Thinking of not just romantic partnerships but friendships and familial relationships as well, how you received care and what made you feel loved may also shed light on your love language. One’s love language may also be revealed through experimenting with a partner. At various times, one’s partner would introduce a different love language to them. Together, they may reflect on feelings and reactions that come up and identify when they felt closest and most cared for and vice versa.
Love Languages are Fluid
While Dr. Chapman’s theory depicts five distinct love languages, there are no rules which confine one’s love language to a single category. It is not wrong for people to feel a connection in part to each love language, nor is it uncommon for people to identify a secondary and/or tertiary love language in addition to their primary one (Borst, 2023). Also noteworthy is that one’s love language can change. As people experience life, their wants and needs may morph into new forms along with the way they receive and impart love.
Queering the Love Languages
Dr. Chapman and his book have been criticized for being racist, misogynistic, and fundamentally heteronormative (Heaney, 2022). On May 27, 2021, a new set of love languages entered the world via Twitter by user @neuroworld, which was presented as “the five neurodivergent love languages”. Although it remains that anyone can experience any of the five original love languages, @neuroworld’s list encompasses how neurodivergent individuals may express these feelings in a unique way. The five neurodivergent love languages which have been widely embraced by the neurodivergent community are as follows (Still, 2023):
Infodumping - i.e. sharing all the little details of something you are passionate about/ your latest obsession
Parallel Play/ Body Doubling - i.e. being in a shared space while doing separate activities
Support Swapping - i.e. looking after one another’s self care through reminders and helpful task completions
Deep Pressure - i.e. feeling grounded and secure under the weight of a partner’s body, like a weighted blanket
Penguin Pebbling - i.e. gifts in the form of uniquely personal, interesting, meaningful, thoughtful, fascinating little tokens catered towards one’s partner
Conclusion
Knowing the questionable origin story of the five love languages, the underlying sentiment that partners often have different ways of receiving and experiencing love and may benefit from learning one another’s love language remains a pure and seemingly simple truth. Although Dr. Chapman may not have had you and your partner(s) in mind, there are many ways to explore and expand the ways in which you speak and understand love, including therapy. Whether you want to reflect on your own or with a partner, your therapist will support you and always have the intention to operate with your best interest in mind.
Sources:
Borst, H. (2023). The 5 Love Languages–And How To Use Them To Strengthen Your Relationship. Forbes.
Heaney, K. (2022). There’s No Escaping the 5 Love Languages: Thirty years on, a Christian pastor’s theory of romantic communication is as popular as ever. The Cut.
Still, J. (2023). The 5 Neurodivergent Love Languages And What They Mean. Bolde.