On People-pleasing
Jessica Chang, MHC-LP
Is there such a thing as being too nice, too accommodating, too eager to please? Since when did helping others become a negative trait? Where is the line between being altruistic and self-sabotaging? In other words, are you a people-pleaser and is that such a bad thing?
What is people-pleasing?
According to Forbes, core characteristics of people-pleasing behavior include giving an irrational amount of importance to what other people think and constantly putting others’ needs ahead of one’s own. Exhibiting these behaviors may garner temporary affection from others, but over time leads to detrimental effects including ingenuine and unsatisfying relationships with others and oneself.
People-pleasing behavior is not an act of benevolence. It stems from a deep-rooted need for external validation and longing to feel secure. People pleasers are often operating from a place of low self-esteem, fear of rejection, or fear of failure. Psychology Today lists traits of people-pleasers including but not limited to low self-worth, feeling valuable when complying with others, and having little self-awareness. Extremely conflict avoidant, people-pleasers are regularly taken advantage of, intentionally and unintentionally. Often beginning as acts of selflessness, people-pleasing quickly turns into self-sabotage.
People-pleasing behavior may look like: agreeableness/submissiveness despite personal feelings; not saying “no”; apologizing or taking blame unnecessarily; eating, exercising, or partaking in various activities more than one wants; finding satisfaction solely through external validation as opposed to internal validation; generally neglecting or not recognizing one’s own needs. People-pleasing behaviors may lead to untrustworthiness and distancing in close relationships due to the ingenuine nature of conformity. It may lead to future conflict and resentment through not being true to oneself. People-pleasing behaviors can also be manipulative, intentionally acting in ways to influence the way people feel. Overall, these tendencies are not sustainable for personal relationships with others or oneself.
Where do people-pleasing behaviors come from?
People-pleasing behaviors are learned and conditioned, and certain individuals are more at risk of developing such tendencies. According to a recent YouGov survey of 1,000 U.S. adult citizens, about half (49%) of Americans would self-identify as people-pleasers, with more women (56%) than men (42%) self-describing themselves as people-pleasers. Societal expectations and gender norms have cultivated a space where women are taught from a young age to remain quiet and agreeable, especially while in the presence of man. Women will avoid certain behaviors and go to great lengths to avoid unfair labels such as “high maintenance” and “difficult” (Smyth, 2020). In relation to women and people-pleasing, the upholding of a patriarchal society has led to harmful effects on women’s mental and physical health, reflected clearly in gender-based harassment and abuse and the #MeToo movement.
Those with a history of family trauma and other abusive relationship history also tend to present with more people-pleasing behaviors. These behaviors are often linked to parental attachment styles and how caregivers respond to a child’s emotional needs and expression as they grow up. BIPOC individuals and children of immigrants may also be more likely to exhibit people-pleasing characteristics, learned as a means of survival and self-preservation due to their minority status, and potentially aligning with cultural and familial values.
I have people-pleasing tendencies… What now?
Just as people-pleasing behaviors are learned and conditioned, they may also be unlearned and deconditioned with time and effort. Here are a few ways to practice letting go of people-pleasing behaviors:
Practice self-compassion; give yourself permission to prioritize personal needs.
Self-reflection; re-learn yourself, your wants, your needs, your values.
Practice setting boundaries; once you know your boundaries, say them out loud to yourself to become more comfortable expressing them to others.
Go to therapy; therapists can help you build skills for all of the above and help keep yourself accountable. If you are here, you are probably on the right track!
Sources:
Travers, M. (2023). A Psychologist Poses 2 Questions To Anyone Stuck In A People-Pleasing Trap. Forbes.
People-Pleasing | Psychology Today.
Leonard, E. (2020, November 23). The Underpinnings of People-Pleasing. Psychology Today.
Smyth, Teyhou. (2020). Are Women Pressured into Unhealthy People-Pleasing? Thrive Global.
Me Too Movement (2018).