Resentment: To Be or Not To Be

May 20

Jessica Chang, MHC-LP

Resentment is a fascinating concept. It is defined by Webster’s Dictionary as “a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.” The meaning of the word resentment comes from the Old French word resentir, which translates to “the re-experiencing of a strong feeling.” Distinguishing features of resentment include repeatedly going over the situation in our minds, or rumination, and that it lingers over time. It has been attributed as the “emotion of justice,” speaking towards the moral stance of resentment against unacceptable behavior.

Resentment is a valid and often justifiable feeling in response to a real or perceived event. There often lies a connection to harmful, violent acts and trauma. This can include experiencing physical or emotional neglect, being excessively controlled, restricted, invalidated, criticized, or scapegoated, or receiving inadequate attention, love, care, support, and reassurance as a child (Reforming Trauma Coaching & Counselling, 2024). It is important to recognize and identify these factors for oneself as an act of self-value. This process of allowing oneself to feel and become aware of one’s childhood abuses, injustices, mistreatments, etc. symbolizes becoming aware of the fact of oneself as a person with rights, needs, and worth. It also becomes one’s personal responsibility to protect those rights, meet those needs, and develop and grow one’s sense of self-worth… which can be a difficult transition, in part due to the ruminating and lingering inherent within resentment and feelings of injustice.

Why it’s so difficult to let go of resentment (a limited list.)

You don’t want to “lose” - Letting go of resentment may feel like you are surrendering and allowing the other person to win, or letting them off the hook. It may feel like you are admitting that the emotional stance you took was a waste of time, or that the cause of your resentment was not all that bad.
It’s unfair - You have recognized the toxic, invalidating, abusive environment you were subjected to and the consequences of this environment on various aspects of your life. You can envision an alternate outcome from being in a nurturing, loving environment and how this could have been achieved. Your hurt and struggles feel like they could have been avoided entirely.
It feels protective and arming - It may feel like by holding onto resentment you are maintaining psychological advantage and protecting yourself from future harm. It allows you to feel a sense of power and control within a dynamic in which you felt powerless.
Lack of closure or resolution - Moving forward from resentment may feel like it requires some sort of ending. It is natural to desire a sense of closure before letting go of negative feelings. It may feel like you are waiting for a deserved apology, explanation, or recognition of the harm done to you. This may be or feel impossible.
It requires a lot of work and effort - It may feel easier to hold onto resentment than to work towards confronting and mending the relationship. You have convinced yourself that you are better off without this relationship and do not need to address it or have any conversations within the relationship.

Consequences of resentment

Although your feelings of resentment may feel justifiable and empowering, you are most likely harming yourself the most. From an old adage, “holding onto resentment is like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.” You end up holding yourself back and allowing fear to control you and your relationships, and you suffer the consequences to your physical, cognitive, and mental health and wellbeing along the way.

Resentment has been described as an “impotent form of anger.” In emotions research, resentment is considered a tertiary emotion - stemming from the primary emotion, anger, and secondary emotion, rage (PsychCentral, 2020). Resentment is held within a person, often having a greater impact on the one resentful than it does the offender. Philosopher Robert Roberts’s analysis on the concepts of gratitude and resentment shows that they are mirror-opposite states, or ways of being. This also comes with the accompanying negative, opposite effects of resentment on well-being compared to the effects of gratitude. Reflected in the casual use of language such as stating that someone is a “pain in the neck” or describing feelings of being hurt by someone as residing “in the pit of my stomach” or having “hardened my heart,” studies have revealed short and long term consequences of resentment on physiological, mental, behavioral, and emotional wellbeing as well as relationships with others and oneself (Howells, 2021).

Feeling anger, bitterness, and resentment often shows up in relationships indiscriminately. Resentment can push others away, even if they are not the source, or target, of resentment (Gould, 2023). It may result in further feelings of being wronged and contribute to isolation and perpetual bitterness towards others and oneself. Research shows that holding onto resentment causes stress in the body. One study showed prolonged anger and hostility in adults over the course of a decade resulted in greater cognitive decline than those who were more apt to forgive. Another study revealed significant impacts on participants’ abilities to complete a physical test, with those thinking of a conflict in which they held onto resentment perceiving tasks to be more difficult than those thinking of a time when they forgave another person. Additional studies show that resentment could be implicated in the development of ulcers, gastric disorders, heartburn, cardio-respiratory symptoms, cardiac disease, intolerance to exercise, headache, backache, joint pain, insomnia, and stress (Howells, 2021). Further, a study on older adults showed resentment can impact blood pressure, heart pressure, and the immune system. Resentment can increase stress and eventually affect digestion, blood circulation, and sexual performance. In regards to mental health, resentment can trigger the continued resumption of past memories and activate depressive, anxious, phobic, and psychosomatic processes (Almeida and Cunha, 2023). All of these symptoms have very real consequences on various relationship dynamics and contexts, including the way one perceives themself and their own self-worth.

Letting go of resentment

Resentment can be extremely difficult to let go of for a multitude of valid reasons, but it is beneficial for your own health and wellbeing to feel through your emotions and work towards overcoming and letting go of feelings of resentment. Here are a few ways to help you get started:

Understand the source: Where is your resentment coming from? What feelings may be underlying or encompassed within resentment? Identifying what is keeping you resentful can help you confront and work through those feelings. It may allow more of an opportunity to gain agency and control in your life in order to move forward in the direction you want to go.
Be real with yourself: What are your needs at this time? What needs have and have not been met? Are you helping or hurting your chances of fulfilling your needs? Realistically, what can be done for you to feel less resentment?
Practice empathy and gratitude at your own pace: This can be particularly difficult, so take your time in opening up to the possibility of considering where the other person may have been coming from when they did you wrong. Recognize the conditions they may have been operating under and how they got to where they are as you know them.
Speak with a therapist: A mental health professional can help you to process your experiences related to your feelings of resentment and explore your thoughts and feelings in a nonjudgmental space. Speaking with a therapist may help to identify your wants and needs and keep you accountable for how you are treating your own health and wellbeing, including your interpersonal relationships and your relationship with yourself.

Sources:

Almeida, B., Cunha, C. Time, Resentment, and Forgiveness: Impact on the Well-Being of Older Adults. Trends in Psychol. (2023). https://doi.org/10.1007/s43076-023-00343-2
Are you angry and resentful towards your… | Reforming Trauma Coaching & Counselling (2024).
Gould, W. (2023). 5 Reasons Why You Can’t Let Go of Resentment, According to Therapists. Verywell Mind.
Howells, K. (2021). Is Resentment Stopping You from Feeling Grateful? The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.
Your Emotional Brain on Resentment, Part 1 | PsychCentral (2020).