Setting Boundaries: A Guide to Protecting Your Mental Health
Rebecca Leon, MHC-LP
Setting boundaries as a way of maintaining mental health has become more normalized in the US. Despite the rise in popularity of the word “boundaries,” many people don’t know what setting boundaries looks like or how to talk about it with others. While a boundary could be interpreted in different ways, setting boundaries doesn’t have to mean drawing rigid lines or cutting people out of our lives. Instead, we can think of setting boundaries as establishing clear guidelines for how we expect to be treated and what behaviors we’re willing to accept from others. Boundaries are a form of self-care, and when we understand how to set and maintain them, we can avoid feelings of resentment, disappointment, or anger that build up when our limits have been pushed (Pattemore, 2021).
Boundaries are important because they help establish mutual respect and understanding within relationships. They also help ensure that both people within the relationship feel safe, heard, and valued. Setting boundaries may look different for everyone, but some examples include the following:
Communicating your needs and expectations clearly and honestly with others
Establishing limits around how much time or energy you’re willing to devote to certain relationships
Identifying behaviors that are unacceptable or hurtful and communicating what you are and are not willing to accept from the people in your life
Saying “no” to requests or demands that go against your values or comfort levels
When these boundaries are respected, it can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Here are some tips for how to set boundaries and protect your mental health:
Identify your needs: The first step in setting boundaries is understanding your needs. What do you need to feel safe, respected, and valued in a relationship? What behaviors or actions are unacceptable to you? Take time to reflect on your values and what you want from a relationship.
Communicate clearly and honestly: Once you've identified your needs, it's important to communicate them clearly and honestly to the people in your life. Consider using "I" statements to express your feelings and needs rather than language that may be interpreted as blaming. For example, instead of saying, "You always ignore me when I talk," consider reframing the statement as, "I feel hurt and ignored when you don't listen to me. I want to feel more heard." Communicating in this way can help you set healthy boundaries while respecting the other person and not pointing fingers.
Be specific: When setting boundaries, it’s important to be specific about what behaviors or actions you will and will not tolerate. If you find a particular behavior unacceptable, be clear about that. For example, if your partner tends to curse during arguments and you don’t like it, consider telling them, “I don’t like it when you curse when we’re arguing because it makes me feel attacked.”
Be firm: Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if the people in your life are used to behaving in certain ways or are not accustomed to you asserting your needs. It's important to be firm and consistent in enforcing your boundaries. While the person you’re setting boundaries with may be upset at first, they will eventually get used to it too. Ultimately, by staying firm in your boundaries, you are protecting your mental health and protecting the health of your relationships.
Listen to your loved ones’ needs and boundaries too: Setting boundaries is a two-way street. It's just as important to listen to your loved ones’ needs and values and to work together to find a compromise that works for both of you. Be open to feedback and willing to adjust your boundaries as needed.
Take care of yourself: Setting boundaries can be stressful and emotional, so it's important to practice self-care. Take breaks when needed, reach out to friends or a therapist for support, and prioritize your well-being.
Setting boundaries can be challenging, but it can also feel liberating. It is essential to creating healthy and fulfilling relationships. By communicating your needs clearly, being firm in enforcing your boundaries, and listening to others’ needs as well, you can build stronger, healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Sources
Pattemore, C. (2021). 10 Eays to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries. PsychCentral.