How Do We Learn to Love Ourselves? A Guide to Developing Self-Love

Rebecca Leon, MHC-LP

Developing self-love is no easy feat, especially in a society that profits off our insecurities. Unfortunately, many of us struggle with self-loathing and negative self-talk, often stemming from capitalism, oppression, societal pressures, and unrealistic beauty standards. The beauty, diet, and weight-loss industries have been sending us messages for decades that we’re not good enough the way we are, and self-improvement is only a quick purchase away. But what would happen if we truly loved and accepted ourselves exactly as we were?

In a society such as this one, self-love can feel like a radical concept. And it is! As mentioned by Sonya Renee Taylor in her book, The Body Is Not an Apology, “the most radical political act there is to love yourself, despite all the ways society has taught you not to. To love yourself fiercely and unapologetically is a radical act that shifts the very foundation of the status quo” (Taylor, 2018). Though self-love is radical, it’s not impossible, and there are many ways you can learn to develop and enhance it.

First and foremost, it’s important to address one of the biggest barriers to achieving self-love: negative body image. In today's world, we are bombarded with messages and images of what society deems an “ideal” body type—one that is both unrealistic and unattainable. We compare ourselves to these images and feel inadequate and ashamed. But our bodies are not objects to be judged or scrutinized. In The Body is Not an Apology, Taylor writes, "Our bodies are not wrong. They are not objects to be fixed" (Taylor, 2018). Our bodies are unique, beautiful, and deserving of love and respect, regardless of their size, shape, or ability.

With that in mind, one way to develop self-love is to challenge the standard of beauty and the idea that if we don’t meet the standard of beauty, our bodies are somehow wrong. In her book, Taylor encourages her readers to embrace their bodies, identities, and experiences to create a more just and compassionate world. She also reminds us to focus on our inner qualities and strengths rather than outward appearance. She writes, "Our worth is not in our bodies; it is in who we are as human beings" (Taylor, 2018). This means valuing ourselves for kindness, intelligence, creativity, and other positive qualities rather than our physical attributes.

Another way to develop self-love is to practice self-compassion. Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same kindness, care, and understanding that we would offer to a dear friend. It also means accepting our flaws and imperfections and recognizing that they are a natural part of being human. According to Taylor, when we treat ourselves compassionately, we are less likely to judge ourselves harshly, engage in negative self-talk, and engage in harmful behaviors (Taylor, 2018).

Practicing gratitude is another way to develop self-love. When we focus on the things we're grateful for, we shift our attention away from what we don't have or wish to change about ourselves. This can include gratitude for our health, abilities, and the experiences our bodies allow us to have. Ultimately, gratitude shifts the focus from what our bodies lack to what they provide (Taylor, 2018).

Finally, surrounding ourselves with positive influences and cultivating connections can help us develop self-love. This means spending time with people who love and accept us for who we are rather than those who constantly criticize or judge us. As mentioned by Taylor, “we cannot love ourselves in isolation. We need connection, community, and support to thrive” (Taylor, 2018). When we feel connected and supported, we are more likely to love ourselves and make positive life changes.

Developing self-love is a radical act of resistance against the forces of shame, oppression, and isolation. By embracing our bodies, practicing self-compassion, engaging in gratitude, and cultivating connection and community, we can create a more just and compassionate world for ourselves and others. What are your thoughts? How have you learned to love yourself?

 Sources:

Taylor, S. R. (2018). The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love. 

Berrett-Koehler Publishers.